After Scar Revision

It was just a small "repair" but had a positive impact on me mentally. One small edge of my scar was removed (close to my nose) and it has made me feel better about the entire thing. The scar is still there on my cheek and always will be, but the negative feelings about it continue to fade.

October 2011 (after the scar revision)

October 2011

 

BEFORE  (July '11)

Two Years (and a day) Since Graft

The graft scar improved and softened noticeably over the summer, so I arrived at the 2-year mark with a decent looking scar finally. But I still wanted to undergo a revision of the stubborn raised tissue near my nose which was always white. Monday I had it done, and I'm glad I did. My surgeon performed this minor procedure in his office while I sat in the chair. The sutures are staying in for a week, and there was no bruising or swelling. I believe the scar will ultimately be softer and slightly smaller in the long run. I had this done because it is my face and I'm still a little self-conscious about it. By this time next year, I expect the scar will look smoother than it ever has. Through this entire experience I have learned a couple of things: hurry up when you hear the melanoma word (and get it removed), then be very patient while your scar heals. Patience, patience. And even little freckles can be melanoma.

August 2011. This photo also shows the scar on my collarbone where the graft skin was harvested in '09, plus a white scar above my lip where a precancerous lesion was "frozen" off in 2010.

Scar revision September 2011

The raised scar tissue has been removed

Optimistic About Scar Repair

Next week I'll have my first (and probably only) scar revision. I'm excited and nervous. Waffling between feeling vain for wanting to remove a small bit of scar tissue to believing that after two years I somehow deserve to have a little repair done on the scar that never healed very well in the first place. Mainly because this is on my face. If it were located anywhere else on my body I would not be the least bit interested in fixing it. I have felt in my gut that this particular ridge of scar doesn't belong on me, and remain hopeful that my very minor slice & suture in-office procedure will allow that spot to blend better with my skin after two years of looking at my scarred reflection. The graft scar will always be there, but this is one way of making it ever-so-slightly smaller and less noticeable. Never looking forward to having my face cut, especially on this voluntary basis, but I'm feeling optimistic that it will give me a sense of completion on the whole graft thing. It's my way of taking control over it in some small form. When you're first told that you need a skin graft, there is a feeling of loss of control over the entire matter. I'll post photos as it heals.

Two years since the dermatologist said the words "melanoma in situ"

The scar keeps getting softer. Biopsies on other cheek a few months ago were negative, thank goodness. I have a September appointment for a small scar revision. The pink on my face in this photo was from being overheated from hiking, not from sunburn. I honestly haven't had a sunburn for two years. In past years, getting a little pink from the sun would have been a normal, routine occurrence during the summer months for me, and was often what I was aiming for. Not any more! Although this summer my arms are getting a little tan from being outdoors for short durations without sunscreen, which worries and pleases me at the same time.

I think about the graft less, don't feel as self-concious about it. Was having a routine colonoscopy last week and noticed that medical staff are quite open about commenting on the graft, and easy to talk with about it.

Have a good summer and stay cool in the shade.

My Shiny Circular Scar

March Update

I've been hearing from a few people via email who have been going through similar experiences. I'm pleased to report that most people aren't bothered by their scars after a while. Here's how mine looks after a year and a half. A little lumpy and crater-like, but blending more with my skin, and an okay color (compared to a year ago).

Here is a website that has a lot of information about sunscreens and other products, along with their ingredient listings.   

Environmental Working Group

www.ewg.org/2010sunscreen/

This is probably old news to some, but I didn't know until today that some plastic surgeons use leeches to help heal grafts! 
Leech article:  
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/5319129/ns/health-health_care/

Also important to mention, and was suggested by a fellow reader--people should be made aware that full body screenings are important. If you've had a skin cancer experience, especially melanoma, it is important to have your eyes examined as well as your private parts. Yes, as surprising as it may sound, melanoma can occur 'where the sun don't shine' and within the eye. UV exposure is damaging to eyes and causes many of the commonly known eye problems. Sunglasses are your first defense there. My dermatologist suggested this at my first full body examination. Since that time, I have taken my daughter for a full body screening (she is 11 years old) an my husband also went for his a few months ago. And I visited the eye doctor!

Thanks Shelly, Tammy and Joyce for your recent correspondence.

Looking Back ~ Reflections from 2009 Journals

Being a life-long journal writer, I naturally turned to my journal to express my feelings about this experience. So here I've extracted relevant bits and pieces from that difficult period of time.

The pictures below depict the process in a nutshell. The first photo is from the year prior to surgery, then a closeup of the brown spot in July 2009 after it was biopsied...then September & October healing after surgery. The picture at far right is a recent picture taken in December, 2010(which was 15 months after surgery).

July 29, 2009: 

Met my plastic surgeon yesterday and he'll do a skin graft September 15. He didn't make me feel any better. I dread it all. I hate this damn brown spot and all the grief it's causing--all from the sun that I love and hate. I try diligently to keep sun from shining on the spot now. The circle of the excision will be quite large. I gulp at the thought of seeing the outcome. So much trepidation, anxiety and worry.

August 29, 2009: 

Life's dealing me a rough patch. I don't like it, but there's nothing I can do but march forward and press on through it. Try to see the bright sides...there must be some. My optimism has been thrown off a bit. I'll have to get over the hump, the hill. At least it's not a mountain.

September 10, 2009: 

Just a big pain in the neck, all of this. Dr. M says melanoma that is removed sometimes recurs in 5 years or more. So I'll have to be diligent. This is all a big inconvenience, somewhat life changing too. My face will never be the same after Tuesday and I have some grieving about that. I think the hardest day will be seeing what's under the bandage when it comes off. The doctor said I'm going to look a little "rough" for a while and that I'm not going to like it.

September 12, 2009: 
I'm getting used to having a lot of anxiety surrounding all this and it feels like a very long road before me. Gives me sadness and worry because melanoma can be deadly. I was very productive today, washed all the sheets. Will get a good supply of groceries tomorrow because I don't want to go anywhere for a while. Dumb face! Why did you have to get cancer right there? I'm having trouble processing it. Must keep taking deep soothing breaths.

September 15, 2009

Day of Surgery

A very high anxiety morning. Surgery was about an hour late getting started but went fine and we got home just in the nick of time before L's school bus arrived. I was a wee bit woozy on our car ride home. I'm using Tylenol rather than the pain prescription they wrote. I think I can get through it with just Tylenol. I have to sleep with my head propped up. Glad it's behind me. Hope it's all overwith. Big suture line where the skin was taken near my collar bone.

September 17, 2009:

As I was looking out that hospital window two days ago, the scenery was quite pretty. It reminded me of being in the hospital when my baby was born 10 years earlier. But as I said to my husband, that Vermont hospital birth experience was more like Christmas because we got a "present" at the end. With this hospital adventure, there was no present at the end. Today I didn't need any Tylenol. No pain. Friends being encouraging and helpful, and my husband & daughter are taking good care of me, even washing my hair. I feel cared about and cared for.

September 18, 2009:

Looks like I have a black eye, but yellow-green skin today. And very itchy. The area looks so large and has puckering skin around the yellow bandage. That pressure bandage is icky and is in my way. Haven't needed to take anything for pain. Collar bone stitches feel tight but not painful. It's all good. Just an emotional adjustment. I feel vulnerable and self conscious. Going through a transition. Reality sinks in from time to time. But I don't cry about it because a)other people have much worse problems, and b)I'm not supposed to get the bandage wet. I'm giving myself a week to not feel guilty when I take a rest or just sit still for a while. I'm still being productive, just don't want anyone to see me close up. The yellow bandage is a bit startling. It is sewn to my face.

September 20, 2009:

I'm wanting friends to see my face as it is now (via photos) so it won't be such a shock to them when I finally get the nerve to show my face to the public. But with this yellow thing I don't want anybody to see it just yet. Only two more days with this hard gross yellow thing on my face. I can't wait to have it off me, yet I'm extremely apprehensive about seeing the graft. My skin will have to get a chance to settle down after the trauma. I still can't believe that harmless little thing was melanoma. Harmless looking, but not so harmless. Cutting out such a big piece of one's face must mean it's pretty serious. Damn it's an ugly sight. My symmetry will be gone. It saddens me. Sort of startles me when I see myself in the mirror. At times I look at it and think it's healing well, swelling subsiding. Then I look again later and it looks scary to imagine what's under the yellow, and if it is working, if it's ever going to look un-puckered. Pink and red around all my sutures now. Well it totally sucks and is very much not welcome in my life. 
  Today is our 13th wedding anniversary, and it feels so incredibly wonderful when my husband washes my hair! The warm water and clean shampoo is tremendous, as well as his loving hands.

September 22, 2009:

On our way to soon have my "tie over" yellow, icky bandage removed. I have apprehension about seeing the graft. Squeamish, queasy-ish. But at the same time I want this darn hard foam thing to come off. Nervous to see Dr. M today but not nearly as bad as one week ago!

Later 9/22:

   It looks really horrible. Dark! And it hurt taking out the sutures. I can't believe I need to go back there again in two days and then two weeks later. My goodness it looks disgusting. Like a crater on the moon. Dark and gross.

September 24, 2009:

Today I was relieved to get the final sutures removed. Martha (the nurse) taking them out made my eyes water but it didn't hurt as much as Tuesday. Felt good to get them out. Just Martha and me at the office today, quiet and peaceful. Martha's concerned about the dark scab at the top and the other spot near my nose. I could tell by the look on her face it wasn't the best result she'd ever seen. I think it's not going to heal very smoothly, although she did remove some dead tissue so the wound looked more pink and not as menacing. Still, though, looks like someone put a car cigarette lighter on my face, like a burn. I'm choosing to call it pepperoni. It does look like a piece of pepperoni is stuck on my cheek, or at times looks like a whole tiny pizza sprinkled with some toppings.

   My daughter saw it for the first time tonight and she was fine. She was very supportive and very curious. She handled that very well for a 10 year old. Yet I'm startled when I look in mirrors. Is that really me? Because I can't even feel it, and I forget. And it's not an integral part of me yet. Weird stuff.

September 27, 2009:

My parents came over with hot sub sandwiches today. Was the first time they'd seen me since surgery. They both said it wasn't as bad as they expected, which is what my brother said after looking at photos. Today it looked promisingly better and pink, but the darn black necrotic tissue areas are very dark and distracting. I think, though, that I am healing rather quickly and can see tiny differences each day. But this "rope like" perimeter of skin where it was tightly sutured to the bandage is not softening. So that bugs me. But it'll all get better I think. Maybe in six months it will look decent.

October 1, 2009:

I'm healing but not ideally. There's too much dead tissue in the way. The scar is getting to be oddly shaped and lumpy. I did chat with the mail lady yesterday--I was brave. Talking to people makes me feel very exposed. I hate it. I will be 48 in three weeks. But glad my 47th year is going away because it's been a weird one. Move on, move ahead.

October 7, 2009:

I've been back to Dr. M and was told to do scar massage 10-20 times per day to flatten the outer rim. I don't remember to do it often enough. Must remember all day!

October 11, 2009:

Once in a while I get frustrated with how long this graft is taking to heal. It looks very bad still. Very red, rough, pink, bumpy. Big! Noticeable as heck. I forget it's there and then realize day by day that it's on me forever. And it's going to take so long to fade. It's a slow process. For some reason grafted skin is slow to heal generally. I love everyone's support, just feel sad or frustrated (or bitter perhaps) that this happened to my face and that I have to put up with it for as long as I live. It will age with me. I'm a strange looking person right now. Have to explain my wound to my daughter's friends and their parents.

October 12, 2009:

I've had my graft about 4 weeks now. Feels longer than that. I wish I could just peel it away and be my normal face again. I don't like to do things that involve face-to-face communication any more because my face is rather shocking. I'm trying to get my nerve up to go the grocery store tomorrow. I'll probably put a bandaid over it. Still very colorful, pink/purple/red. Scar massage seems to be bruising the skin so I haven't seen it improving this week. Nor has it been contracting or shrinking much either. I am really hating it, resenting it. Feeling stifled by it. Self conscious much more than I ever used to be. I hate telling new people who didn't know I was having this done. I hate the awkwardness, and they don't know how to look at me or what to say. But it's like an elephant in the room if I don't say what this is on my face.

October 16, 2009:

Once in a while I'll be applying lotion to my scar and I just start to breathe quickly as a weeping sensation comes over me involuntarily. Tonight it was because it's so shiny and different from my regular skin. Lumpy. Purple. Oddly textured. Big. But when I glance in the mirror at the graft cheek--usually when I'm very close up to the mirror--it just makes me well up with tears. It's a deep, sad feeling. Helpless. No hope in sight for it to ever heal well. It's so far from looking even remotely close to healing or flattening or blending. Long road ahead with that.
   Monday Dr. M told me to press harder on my scar when massaging. Ouch. Another day, another doctor :)

   I wore a bandaid over it when the blacksmith came to do the ponies' hooves today. He was very nice about it and wanted to hear about it. He has a family history of melanoma. his sister and grandmother. His grandmother died from it. I've been hearing about quite a few deaths from it lately. So I should just be grateful for my life and stop worrying about the dumb scar! But I'm not quite there yet.

2004 - brown spot was there and I was vacationing in the sun

Nearing the 18-Month Mark

Next month will be a year and a half since my graft surgery. It's beginning to feel like "history" now which is refreshing. Looking in the mirror is always a reminder but the healing continues. I've been touched by the comments from people who have shared similar experiences. I'm grateful to those who have shared their stories with me, along with their photos.

When I meet new people, I sense how they are looking at me; just trying to figure out what that might be on my cheek. But the stares aren't glares like they used to be--simply natural human curiosity. Most people have no idea what skin grafts look like, or why a person would have a circular scar like this. So I understand them wanting to look just a little bit longer than a person normally focuses on your face when you meet or shake hands etc. Nobody has ever actually asked me what the scar is from, but I can feel that I'm being looked at in a particular way. I have finally developed an ability to let them look...without wanting to turn away.

Unexpected Compliment

Yesterday my daughter (age 11) said "Mom, I don't even notice your graft scar any more." That meant a lot to me.

It's More Tolerable With Time

Perhaps it has been the distractions of the holidays taking my mind off of it for a while, but I'm very happy to say my scar has been fading into the background of my thoughts more and more. It seems to be blending better over the past few months and isn't quite as visible. I'm less apt to feel the need to "hide" or avert my gaze, and it seems that people aren't staring at it any more. I'm attaching December photos, which show the progress at 1 year + 3 months since surgery.

Depending on the angle of sunlight, the scar sometimes shows prominently in certain photos while in others it's not so obvious. I've been wearing sunscreen all winter.